aDrenais' Book of Shadows

Article by David Goldwich, the author of "Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? Lessons in Effective Communication" as appeared in Recruit section of The Straits Times Tuesday May 6, 2008 and Wednesday May 7, 2008.

Assert yourself
How many times have you walked away from a negotiation table without achieving what you originally intended? Perhaps you agreed to take on additional work or responsibility because you were unable to say "no". Perhaps you felt unworthy of fighting for your interests. Or maybe you were unable to bring yourself to ask for what you want.

Have you ever wondered why some people always seem to get what they want while others rarely do? Well, you are not alone. Most of us feel we deserve more than we get at some time or other.

But we cannot deny that some people consistently get their fair share or more. How do they do it? The answer is they know how to assert themselves.

What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is one of the most important life skills you could have. Think of all the extraordinary people you know or have heard of, whether in business or government. Think of all the top CEOs, the most successful entrepreneurs and the greatest political leaders. Think Bill Gates, Richard Branson, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Lee Kuan Yew.

Just about anyone who achieves any significant level of success or greatness is assertive - you simply do not rise to the top if you are not assertive.

Mother Teresa was one of the most caring people of the last century. But she was no pushover. In fact, she was very bold in asking for charitable contirbutions and political assistance. Beneath her kind and saintly exterior was an assertive spirit.

What about Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr? Both men were all the more remarkable for their explicit rejection of violence. They were assertive, and did not hesitate to demand what they and their people clearly deserved. They stood up for themselves and for countless others, and made a difference to the world.

Assertiveness is the ability to stand up for yourself, without stepping on anyone else's toes. It is the ability to express yourself in a manner that is clear, direct, specific and considerate. It means saying what you mean and meaning what you say, confidently.

It is the happy medium between passive and aggressive. Passive people are often reluctant to express their interests. On the other hand, aggressive people do not have this problem because they are usually inconsiderate towards others.

Why it matters
Assertiveness allows you to ask for waht you want, say "no" when you want, and get more out of life. It will help you on the job - you get more raises, promotions, and good assignments.

It will help you socially as people respond more positively to you. It will help you communicate more effectively with family and friends. It will also help you manage and resolve conflict situations before they escalate, both on and off the job.

Assertive people have positive self-esteem. They like and value themselves. They are in control of their lives. They have fulfilling relationships based on open communication and mutual respect.

Assertive people express their feelings honestly and without guilt. They take responsibility for their feelings; they do not blame others or make excuses. They stand up for themselves and exercise their rights while respecting others.

Assertive people are able to look a person in the eye and speak in a firm yet non-threatening tone. They do not allow others to take advantage of them.

Assertiveness, not passivity or aggression, leads to win-win outcomes.

Nature versus nurture
The above characteristics are signs of a healthy, confident, and well-adjusted personality but assertive people are a rare breed. Studies show that only five to 20 per cent of the population is assertive.

People are not born assertive. Like any other critical life skill, assertiveness is a strategy that can be learned.

Some people learn it early. By the time they are in pre-school, they have already learned how to get the toys they want to play with.

As they grow up, they use the same strategies to get the jobs they want, the pay raises and promotions, and opportunities they desire. On the other hand, there are others who never get what they want. But anyone can learn to be assertive. Three ways to become more assertive are to:

Eliminate unassertive behaviours
The first step in becoming more assertive is to eliminate unassertive (both passive and aggressive) behaviours, gestures and speech patterns.

Passive behaviours such as avoiding eye contact, slouching, speaking too softly, being indecisive, or minimising the importance of your own needs and wants should be thrown out the window.

Weak gestures suggest a passive personality. Avoid fawning, scratching, fidgeting, preening and putting your hands in your pockets.

Finally, avoid passive speech patterns such as rambling or uncertain statements, frequent justifications or apologies, and putting yourself down.

Act as if you were assertive
The best way to act assertively is to think of someone you know who is assertive, and do what he or she does.

Or you can imagine you already are assertive and act suitably. How would you stand? How would you move? How would you speak? What gestures would you use?

Adopt assertive behaviours such as maintaining good posture, looking people in the eye, moving with confidence and purpose, and being decisive.

Speak with confidence and at a relaxed pace, express your needs clearly and directly and be considerate of others.

Craft assertive statements
When someone says or does something that offends you, you can respond in any of three ways. You can choose to be passive about it, allowing the situation to continue because you are not comfortable confronting the other person, while building up resentment.

Or you can respond aggressively, by lashing out verbally or physically at the other person. This will cause the conflict to escalate and greatly reduce the chance of resolving it amicably.

Neither of these options is good for the relationship. You can also choose a third option: assertion. The assertive option allows for communication to solve the problem while maintaining the relationship.

A simple and effective way to assert yourself is by using this three-step formula:
- Offer a non-judgmental description of the offending behaviour
- State your feelings
- Describe the consequences of the behaviour

Following this three-step forumla is the easiest way to craft an assertive statement. With practice, you will be able to modify it so you sound more natural. After all, not everyone speaks the same way. The important thing is to cover all three steps.

Avoid describing behaviours and feelings in value-laden terms. Certain descriptions are more emotionally charged than others, and make logical discussion less likely.

For example: "When you smoke, I feel victimised because it impairs my breathing." This makes the smoker sound like a villian, when he may have intended no malice.

Compare this with: "When you smoke, it is annoying and inconsiderate because it impairs my breathing." Here, the speaker is not stating his feelings, but accusing the smoker of being annoying and inconsiderate.

This may be construed as a personal attack by the speaker. It would be quite natural for the smoker to get defensive, deny the speaker's characterisation of him and respond with an attack of his own.

On the other hand, consider this example: "When you smoke, I feel upset because it impairs my breathing."

The smoker is doing something objectionable, but he is not made to seem like a bad guy, and is less likely to be offended. You are simply stating your true feelings, without judging the smoker's motives or values. No one can deny your feelings.

This gives the offending party a reason to change his behaviour. Most people are reasonable and will accommodate you once they are aware of the effect their behaviour is having on you.

Once you learn to craft assertive statements, you will be able to confidently handle situations you used to shrink from. People will respond to you favourably. You will be able to ask for what you want, and say no when you want to.

Best of all, you will get what you want out of life.