aDrenais' Book of Shadows

I'm a control freak. I have an overwhelming need to know where each of my belongings is, and how exactly I may find them. I cannot relinquish a modicum of control over my life to anybody, and get bloody frustrated when it happens. That's why I choose to organise trips even when it's such a freaking hassle. That's why I hog the remote control at ktvs (even I realised that fact).

That's why I absolutely cannot comprehend how anybody can allow themselves to be unable to do without anything else, be it an object or person. But especially people. Objects are safer; if my notebook breaks down I can buy another one, if my favourite dress is worn I can always find another dress to call favourite. But people? When he tires of you, or dies, or goes into a state of vegetation, or finds a younger, more nubile and willing partner, then what's going to happen to the "I can't live without him!"? I don't care what the textbook definition of love is, I find self-preservation a much more important cause. And if my inability to surrender myself totally to another party means I'm a selfish piece of shit, when he/she has given it all, then so be it.

When you cannot find anything to blame for your behaviour, there's always your parents. It's a favourite habit of mine, to pin all my faults on how my parents brought me up. I'm an ungrateful brat, really. And I've found a new one to explain my obsession with control: Because I had such a sad neglected childhood, it strengthened my resolve never to rely on anybody, since the only person that will never let me down is myself. What I'm saying is, if I do everything by myself, I cannot blame others for what'll happen. I can't let myself down unless I pin the blame, anyway. I know this is very poor deduction, and my parents tried their best to give me a good upbringing, so whatever screw-ups are solely my responsibility. It's just so much easier if I could justify it. Ah, another sign of my control-compulsiveness, a need to explain everything (away). I need to sort myself out.